Monday, January 4, 2010

2010

January 4th, 2010



Well its a new year and I can only hope it will be better then the last. I made it through the holidays. It was strange not having Amy around. I keep thinking of the Christmas before Daddy died. 1982 was a good Christmas we got an Atari! Pac-Man was the game. Our Dad loved it he couldn't stop playing. We came home from school one afternoon and the door was locked. We banged on the door and Daddy kept saying "just a minute". He was doing so well he couldn't stop to open the door! I think he would love all of it now. Games are so much better then they use to be. We have it all it seems. My husband and son are big gamers. I like it but not like they do.



I had Ethan and Emily for a night this past week. That was fun and exausting. They seem to be doing okay. Took them to Amy's grave. Ethan always wants to go, he always cries. It breaks my heart. I tell myself it is something he has to do. It was Emily's first time there. She didn't cry. I don't think she understood. Since we didn't get to have normal grave side services she wasn't there when we buried Amy. I took them up to the house afterward. This is when Emily cried. It was so sad. The house is pretty much empty now. She wasn't ready for that. She just cried and as I held her she just said, " I just miss her so much. I want her to come back." I hate that they are having to go through this. I want to go back and change everything. I want to change the last year and a half. What could I have done to help more?



I know time heals. I just wish I had nothing to heal from. The world isn't the same to me. I find myself wanting to call Amy and tell her about something that has happened. I want to know what she thinks of something I'm worried about. I want her to tell me what I should. Not that I'd listen I just want to hear her voice. I want to hear her say "Haaaaayyyy, whatcha doin?" and then listen to her laugh.

I just want to go back. I wish what everyone wishes. To go back and change the way I did things. To talk to people and ask the questions I want to know. I was chatting with an old friend last night talking about to same thing. This friend is someone that I didn't talk to much in high school but wish I had. I know now that we would have had so much fun. We would have got into lots of trouble too. I want to go back and just hang out. Ride around in the car and talk and just be. To be a better friend to the ones I let slip away. I shouldn't have been such a bitch. I should have been happier.

I guess what I'm saying is we only have this one go around. Give people a chance they just may surprise you. You never know when that person my be the only one who understands. They may need you as much as you need them. I have learned that they don't even have to be in the same state as you to pick you up. I want all of the people in my life to know how much they mean to me. Even if I don't see you or talk to you everyday you matter to me. Thank you for being there for me. I hope someday I can return the favor.

I know Amy would think I was crazy for letting feelings out in a blog. Hell she wouldn't believe it. I have always been guarded in my emotions. I don't like to let people see me weak. I have always tried to be strong. As I get older I don't worry about it as much. I figure nobody can hurt me as bad as I have already been hurt.

Yes, I believe this is going to be a better year. Happy New Year! Heres to a better one for all of us.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Nov. 23rd, 2009

Since today is the only day I get off before Thanksgiving, thought I would share some memories of Thanksgivings past.

Growing up with Grandma and Thanksgiving meant: No matter what we didn't have we always had pleanty of food! What a cook she was. Amy could cook like her, I on the other hand can make somethings well but not like them. Back in the day then you went to school from September to November without any holidays or teacher's inservice Thanksgiving was a much needed break. Before Daddy died I don't remember much about what we did except eat all day. After he died our Aunt Johnnie or Aunt Robbie (or both) would come down with their families. We would go to our cousin Gary's house. Now just to help those who may not understand let me break this down for you.....

Our Grandma was one of eleven children. Her brothers and sisters helped her lots with us girls after Daddy passed. Jasper, Lack, Eddie, Hack, Junior, Olamae, Alma, Suenell, Maddie, Delene and Sibyl (Grandma). I know I did not spell all of them correctly nor are they in order. I'm just luckly I remembered them all. (Really with names like those!) Most of them lived close to us so one of them was always coming by or calling. Their grandchildren were around our age so I grew up with lots of cousins. Third cousins but cousins none the less. I always liked this. It was fun having extra family like that. Made what I had already lost easier. I'm sure most of them never knew that. I should tell them.

You never knew what the day was going to be like. Some would watch football all day or you played outside. If the weather was bad we would all be in a bedroom or a basement. I'm sure we got mad and fought. I don't remember that. I do remember playing football or going out in the woods and swinging on vines. Square dancing with Kent to make everyone else laugh. I think one year we even broke someones bed cause we were juming and doing flips on it. I wish I had engery like that now! It was always good times.

As we got older guess we all just went our separate ways. I'm thankful for the time I had with all of them. Sometimes I want to go back and do it all over again. Pay more attention. Enjoy it more. Just to be with those people again....

This year will be hard. Russell is bring Emily and Ethan. I want them to have good memories like I do. I am going to have to try every hard to help them through the holidays. I really don't hae a plan. I will just be here for them thats really all I can do.

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving! Be good to your loved ones and if you are holding any resentment for anyone.... let it go. Its not worth it!



Ada

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Nov. 17th, 2009

I really want to tell this story abut one of the get togethers. It was about this time of year and Grandma was out of town. Saturday night and we were going to have a good "get together"! Just about everyone was there. The house was full of drunk teenagers(a partents worst nightmare). Amy was one of them. I carried the shotgun around trying to keep everyone in line. I'd say most were scared of me. It was never loaded but they didn't know that. The usual group was there. Everthing was going just fine til Chico puked in Amy's room. It was the funnest thing cause there was a whole slice of tomato in it. Like he had never even chewed it! Ofcourse everbody had to view it and make fun of him. When Amy saw it she went off! Poor Chico had already passed out so all the cussing and sreaming she did at him was pointless. She would not let it go. Some girls were cleaning it up and telling Amy it would be alright. She was still pissed and wanted him to pay. Now I don't know whos idea it was. Some boys decided since he was passed out and Amy was mad they would tie him up. Our cousin James, David Dishman, Greg and Terry tied him to a lawn chair with the garden hose. This wasn't good enough so one of them got Grandma's pumpkin and cut it out to fit his head like a helmet. The guy never even woke up. Everyone was laughing there asses off. Still not good enough for the boys. Somehow in all the durnkn haze the idea of putting him on the roof came about. Well all you had to do was say it and the boys were doing it. The next thing I know James, Greg and Terry were on the roof. David was behind the house. Chico was on his way to the roof tied to a lawn chair with a pumpkin on his head. He still never woke up. I was down on the ground thinking someone was going to fall. I yelled and sceamed at them to stop and get down. Terry leaned over the edge and told me to calm down. He said "as soon as we tie him off we'll get down." Everyone came outside to see what they had done. Pictures were taken good time had by all.

Now I would guess that most of the people who were there don't remember much. I know what we did was so wrong(on so many levels) and I pray that my son never does anything like it. I'm glad to have had the good, wild times I did with my sister. I fought with her so much in our teen years. Now it just seems so silly. We did have fun in all of it though. She was one of a kind and she was my sister.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Can only go forward

Nov. 15th, 2009

Well, I haven't blogged in a bit. Thought I'd better do some while I had time for it. The past 2 and half months have been heartbreaking. My emotions have been all over the place. Waiting for the autospy results was the worst. Just having the possibility that someone could have hurt Amy. I didn't know how I was going to live with that. I have to thank God that is not the case. The cause of death is Hypertensive cardiovascular disease. As bad as her death is this is something I can understand. Our Dad died at a young age of the samething. I know people will say "what caused her heart to fail?" This is it and this is hard for me to admit. She was over weight pretty much her whole life. She had been taking some diet pills . She had quit taking them cause they made her heart race. She had been partying hard with drugs and alcohol. There is a strong family history of heart disease. That is the truth and it hurts.

I miss her. I wish there was something I could have done. I knew she was doing this and told her my greatest fear was getting a call that something had happened to her. I did nothing but listen when she needed someone. She was married to Russell for nine years. They did not have a good marriage. He is bi-polar. He would cuss her and scream and scream. I don't know why or how she put up with it. I would have killed him. But she tried she wanted to have a happy family. Anyway, he moved out last year and things got better except for the money. No job and two kids. Our Aunt Johnnie helped more than anyone could have. She owns the house we grew up in and Amy was living there. She did not have to worry about that. Ofcourse, Russell and Jerry(Ethan's dad) paid child support but Amy was lonely. She never could be alone. She wanted to be loved by someone. After Russell moved out he would take Emily on week-ends and Ethan moved in with his dad. Amy thought because she didn't have money this would be the best thing for Ethan. She wanted what was best for both her kids. I think this hurt her more than she would let on. Thats way she started hanging with this bad crew. The drugs and alcohol were a way of not dealing with these feelings. It was a way not to have to face the guilt. I knew this and still did nothing but tell her I understood. I did not want to add to her pain.

I will have to live with the guilt that I have. If anyone knew my sister they know she always landed on her feet. No matter what had ever happened she came out of it smelling like a rose and better off then you would have thought. I thought this would have been one of those times. Maybe thats why I tried to just let her be. I love her. I failed her in so many ways.

Please don't think I am just moping and want people to feel sorry for me. I have been healing and doing much better. I know the holidays are going to be hard this year. I am a survior. Amy would want me to live. She would want me to take care of myself. I am going to do just that. I have already got a stress test lined up and a complete cardiac work up scheduled. I will live for my son, husband, brother, niece and nephew. They need me to do that.

For Amy I will laugh. I will love. I will be happy for both of us.

Until next time people. Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and kind words that have helped me through this time.

Love always, Ada

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Oct. 31st, 2009
I love the Fall. The leaves changing colors the wind getting colder. Most people like the spring and summer months. I think this is the best time of year.

Halloween. I can remember trick or treating with Amy. Nothing so different than anyone else. Rickman always had a carnival in the gym. Those were alot of fun. When we had a high school the seniors had a haunted house in the basement. Every grade had a booth of some sort of game. There was a cake walk and candied apples. The costumes were always the best. During school you got to dress up and go to all the other rooms and show off. Oh, to be a kid! I wish I could go back and do that again. Those were the days when it seemed you were always going to be a kid.

Ofcourse, you don't get to just keep treating. After we got the car we would fill it full of people and go egging or rolling somebody's yard. Somebody would have a tractor and have a hay ride. Those were fun times. You didn't care about anything except having a good time.

After we started going to Monterey we didn't go out much together on Halloween. I can remember the time Amy was heading out to Hanging Limb. She was taking all kinds of shit. Tolit paper, eggs anything she could think of. She opens the freezer pulls out chicken livers. I asked her what she was planning to do with them. She just said, "I don't know. I'm sure I'll think of something." Well I'm not sure what happened that night but the chicken livers; WHERE NOT USED! We only figured this out a couple WEEKS later. They had been put in the trunk of the car and forgotten about. That smell stayed in that car for a year! I'm not kidding it was GAG!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween. I will be thinking of my sister. She was scared of everything. She laughed with everyone. I'm sure some of you have a good story about something she did. Hold that close and remember to tell people you love them for being who they are.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Oh no I didn't!

Oct. 23rd , 2009

Now let me start by saying I do not want to hurt anybody or cause any problems or start anything. I am not going to hold back on the telling of the "get togethers". Also, if I forget something or someone I'm sorry. This is what I remember and how I remember it.

As I have told in past blogs Grandma had a "boyfriend" and they would go on trips. They would tell us they were going camping. I really don't know where they went but they would be gone for one to two weeks. What were two teenagers going to do? Throw a party!

I don't remember when the first one was or how it came to be what it turned out to be. But Amy and April told EVERYONE at Monterey High School. They also drove on the "strip" in Livingston yelling at EVERYONE "PARTY AT BOLES". Thats when Amy coined the phrase "it ain't a party really, its a get together". At this point I'm not happy with the amount of people that are being invited. We didn't have a big house or food or anything. I thought she had lost her mind. This went on all week. People talking about it. Are you going? Can I get a ride with you? Who all is goiing to be there? On and on and on! It became huge. I was scared too many people were are going to get caught and get in big trouble.

Our cousin James was a big part of the planning. He had it all under control. HA! Saturday came. Preparations began, then night was falling. Good crowed showed up about 20 people. Beer, liquor, pot and things I'm sure I didn't see. The night went on everything was fine. Around 10:30 cars just started coming and coming and coming. 5-6 people in most cars. From Monterey, Livingston and Cookeville. Damn! This is when things got WILD! I thought for sure there was going to be a fight. Somehow James and Amy and some others didn't let that happen.

I don't know who all was at this first one. I think everyone from Monterey High was. Lots of friends new and old. People were drunk off there asses. Having sex everywhere. Inthe cars parked in the yard. On the cars in the yard, the living room, kitchen and of course in the bed rooms. What a mess!

I got drunk and passed out in the garage. Think I smoked my frist joint that night with Chris C. I don't really know. Good time was had by all. We didn't get caught that first time. The police weren't called although I can't believe it. This was only the start of things to come.

Amy always said they were "get togethers" never a party. For her everyone was a close friend. A party wasn't personal enough. A get together was.

School on Monday was fun. It was the talk of the school. Those that didn't go were mad at themselves. The next one was being planned.

I will get into the other "get togethers" in coming blogs. I really didn't name any names in this one. Or tell on anyone. I just wanted you all to know how it all got started.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Stick Shift

Oct. 21, 2009

By the time Amy and I were old enough to get our drivers license we had been driving for a few years. It wasn't hard for us by that time. But Amy still didn't know how to drive a stick.

Well Grandma had a "boyfriend". They would just leave out on these trips. Sometimes in his truck sometimes in our car. Jim was a real asshole he didn't like us and we didn't like him. When they would take our car Amy and I were stuck at the house. Jim would leave his truck WITH the keys! He didn't know that I could drive a stick. Wouldn't have mattered I would have taken it anyway and did!

So the morning we woke to them gone and his truck there Amy got mad I just laughed. She asked if I could drive it and I told her I could. Then I asked her if she wanted to learn. Ofcourse she did. Off we went! Amy in the drivers set and me next to her. She got it out on the road popping the clutch every time she changed gears. We laughed the whole time driving around Rickman. She got pretty good with it too. We ran out almost all his gas. Parked it in the same spot and waited for them to get back. That afternoon they got home and Jim gets in his truck and leaves. In enough time for him to get home the phone rings; its Jim. The look on Grandma's face was funny. Then she says to him "Well they don't know how to drive a stick shift! Well I'll ask but your wrong. Maybe you forgot to put gas in it the damn thing! You didn't put any gas in our car today so what does it matter if they did drive it all out!" During all this Amy and I were ready to admit to it all. We were mad for being left there with no way to leave. Maybe this would put a stop to it. Grandma slams the phone down and NEVER says a word to us about it. Funny how she would still take up for us even if she knew the truth. That didn't put a stop to them taking the car but I think he would pitch in for gas after that. He would leave his truck WITHOUT the keys. We still took it. I also knew how to hotwire a car! Just a country girl gett'n by anyway I can!

Amy and I fought lots. But when it come down to it we had each others back. As we got older we became better sisters to one another.

Not sure what I will bolg about next I will have to think about it. I'm sure the "get togethers" need to be explained. Yeah I think that will be next!