Can only go forward

Nov. 15th, 2009

Well, I haven't blogged in a bit. Thought I'd better do some while I had time for it. The past 2 and half months have been heartbreaking. My emotions have been all over the place. Waiting for the autospy results was the worst. Just having the possibility that someone could have hurt Amy. I didn't know how I was going to live with that. I have to thank God that is not the case. The cause of death is Hypertensive cardiovascular disease. As bad as her death is this is something I can understand. Our Dad died at a young age of the samething. I know people will say "what caused her heart to fail?" This is it and this is hard for me to admit. She was over weight pretty much her whole life. She had been taking some diet pills . She had quit taking them cause they made her heart race. She had been partying hard with drugs and alcohol. There is a strong family history of heart disease. That is the truth and it hurts.

I miss her. I wish there was something I could have done. I knew she was doing this and told her my greatest fear was getting a call that something had happened to her. I did nothing but listen when she needed someone. She was married to Russell for nine years. They did not have a good marriage. He is bi-polar. He would cuss her and scream and scream. I don't know why or how she put up with it. I would have killed him. But she tried she wanted to have a happy family. Anyway, he moved out last year and things got better except for the money. No job and two kids. Our Aunt Johnnie helped more than anyone could have. She owns the house we grew up in and Amy was living there. She did not have to worry about that. Ofcourse, Russell and Jerry(Ethan's dad) paid child support but Amy was lonely. She never could be alone. She wanted to be loved by someone. After Russell moved out he would take Emily on week-ends and Ethan moved in with his dad. Amy thought because she didn't have money this would be the best thing for Ethan. She wanted what was best for both her kids. I think this hurt her more than she would let on. Thats way she started hanging with this bad crew. The drugs and alcohol were a way of not dealing with these feelings. It was a way not to have to face the guilt. I knew this and still did nothing but tell her I understood. I did not want to add to her pain.

I will have to live with the guilt that I have. If anyone knew my sister they know she always landed on her feet. No matter what had ever happened she came out of it smelling like a rose and better off then you would have thought. I thought this would have been one of those times. Maybe thats why I tried to just let her be. I love her. I failed her in so many ways.

Please don't think I am just moping and want people to feel sorry for me. I have been healing and doing much better. I know the holidays are going to be hard this year. I am a survior. Amy would want me to live. She would want me to take care of myself. I am going to do just that. I have already got a stress test lined up and a complete cardiac work up scheduled. I will live for my son, husband, brother, niece and nephew. They need me to do that.

For Amy I will laugh. I will love. I will be happy for both of us.

Until next time people. Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and kind words that have helped me through this time.

Love always, Ada