2010

January 4th, 2010



Well its a new year and I can only hope it will be better then the last. I made it through the holidays. It was strange not having Amy around. I keep thinking of the Christmas before Daddy died. 1982 was a good Christmas we got an Atari! Pac-Man was the game. Our Dad loved it he couldn't stop playing. We came home from school one afternoon and the door was locked. We banged on the door and Daddy kept saying "just a minute". He was doing so well he couldn't stop to open the door! I think he would love all of it now. Games are so much better then they use to be. We have it all it seems. My husband and son are big gamers. I like it but not like they do.



I had Ethan and Emily for a night this past week. That was fun and exausting. They seem to be doing okay. Took them to Amy's grave. Ethan always wants to go, he always cries. It breaks my heart. I tell myself it is something he has to do. It was Emily's first time there. She didn't cry. I don't think she understood. Since we didn't get to have normal grave side services she wasn't there when we buried Amy. I took them up to the house afterward. This is when Emily cried. It was so sad. The house is pretty much empty now. She wasn't ready for that. She just cried and as I held her she just said, " I just miss her so much. I want her to come back." I hate that they are having to go through this. I want to go back and change everything. I want to change the last year and a half. What could I have done to help more?



I know time heals. I just wish I had nothing to heal from. The world isn't the same to me. I find myself wanting to call Amy and tell her about something that has happened. I want to know what she thinks of something I'm worried about. I want her to tell me what I should. Not that I'd listen I just want to hear her voice. I want to hear her say "Haaaaayyyy, whatcha doin?" and then listen to her laugh.

I just want to go back. I wish what everyone wishes. To go back and change the way I did things. To talk to people and ask the questions I want to know. I was chatting with an old friend last night talking about to same thing. This friend is someone that I didn't talk to much in high school but wish I had. I know now that we would have had so much fun. We would have got into lots of trouble too. I want to go back and just hang out. Ride around in the car and talk and just be. To be a better friend to the ones I let slip away. I shouldn't have been such a bitch. I should have been happier.

I guess what I'm saying is we only have this one go around. Give people a chance they just may surprise you. You never know when that person my be the only one who understands. They may need you as much as you need them. I have learned that they don't even have to be in the same state as you to pick you up. I want all of the people in my life to know how much they mean to me. Even if I don't see you or talk to you everyday you matter to me. Thank you for being there for me. I hope someday I can return the favor.

I know Amy would think I was crazy for letting feelings out in a blog. Hell she wouldn't believe it. I have always been guarded in my emotions. I don't like to let people see me weak. I have always tried to be strong. As I get older I don't worry about it as much. I figure nobody can hurt me as bad as I have already been hurt.

Yes, I believe this is going to be a better year. Happy New Year! Heres to a better one for all of us.